Calverley (5th of October)

Hattie Harrison Fran Taylor

Here’s Calverley’s observations on people, life and more important things…

Stand by for the announcement this month of where the extra runway is likely to be sited – Gatwick or Heathrow. After years of wrangling and public slanging matches between the rival camps, PM Theresa May is expected to end the suspense by naming one or the other, with dire consequences for those living beneath flight paths. Calverley, though, hears rumours of a smart political option that will leave everyone unhappy – giving the go-ahead for a runway at both airports. Surely not.

Calverley also hears that a head-to-head TV debate between the bosses of the two airports is not going to take off. Word is that Heathrow’s John Holland-Kaye has taken flight and will ‘not be available’. Rival Stewart Wingate should go solo.

Talk about putting the cats amongst the pigeons. American bird expert Dr Peter Marra has been busy telling any journalist who will listen that he believes cats that stray outside should be put down because they’re killing too many wild birds. That’ll ruffle a few feathers. But you should also know (big surprise) that he has just published his latest book: Cat Wars. Meow.

Matrimonial happiness is always at the forefront of Calverley’s mind, and in that spirit he passes on the following exchange between a married couple out shopping. Him: “Look, I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again.” Her: “I don’t care about Christmas cards, but you just have to remember our wedding anniversary and my birthday, those are the really important ones.” They most certainly are.

How embarrassing. A friend of Calverley’s was last week bemoaning the fact that his most splendid of homes had been burgled. Apparently, someone smashed the kitchen door window to get inside and have good look round the place for something valuable. And what did the intruder take away with them…? An umbrella.

Don’t you just love it when those people who write menus can’t quite get their act together. Himself spots the words ‘slow brained beef’ when they clearly mean ‘slow braised beef’. Then again, maybe they didn’t get it wrong.

Chin, chin readers

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