Calverley (21st of September)

Hospice in the Weald 10k Run

Here’s Calverley’s observations on people, life and more important things…

What a surprise for a Mayfield wife. She looks out the kitchen window to see an unknown young man erecting a tent in the middle of her lawn. Rushing outside to demand an explanation she’s intercepted by her husband, who breaks off from his gardening to tell her the chap is a cycling tourist looking to pitch his tent for the night. Husband had happily agreed. He just forgot to consult ‘management’ first.

Round of applause please for our hardworking friends at the crematorium. Longer ‘premium’ funerals along with shorter ‘cheaper’ services are apparently boosting the crem’s bottom line. Councillors have been told the move means there’s likely to be an extra £25,000 in the pot this financial year. Something members have been dying to hear.

Calverley is indebted to one of the staff at Waitrose in Crowborough. In desperate need of scoring brownie points at home, he calls in to the store to buy some ‘let’s be friends’ roses.

Ever careful of the need to look after the pennies (alcohol is so dear these days) he checks the reduced bunches and spots one marked down from £10 to £4.95. Just as he is about pick up the roses, an assistant whispers: “Hang on. I’m going to reduce them even further down to 99p.” Result! Yet another example of why we really need a Waitrose in TW.

Sexist Calverley is not (or, at least, he tries exceedingly hard not to be). However, he cannot resist sharing the fact that two young ladies at the table next to his at a local restaurant spent 35 minutes discussing the best way to have perfect nails. And they did this as they sat there in fashion jeans that had been ripped to bits. The jeans probably cost a fortune. The nail treatments a little less.

Chefs are a particularly interesting breed, with many of them getting in a real stew as they attempt to emulate the outrageous behaviour of role models such as Gordon Ramsay. (Wonder if he can still actually cook?) One of Calverley’s favourite watering holes has seen no less than eight chefs come and go since December. That’s almost one a month.

Chin, chin readers

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